by Angelica
It’s easy to become overly enchanted with our abilities and think we can solve big problems. But sometimes we delude ourselves, and failure to get adult advice can result in disaster. Angelica describes an experience that taught her that we should be aware of our limitations, and seek help when we need it, because you never know when the outcome could be much more serious than you imagined.
Sometimes in our eagerness to help friends who are facing serious problems, it’s easy to think we can manage it all. But being realistic about our limitations is very important, because at times by overestimating our abilities and not seeking help from parents and teachers, the situation could easily worsen.
I know I am still very young and have got much to learn, and perhaps I’m not in the best position to give advice, but I’ll try. I just hope to pass on something that I’ve learnt over the past few years, to hopefully convey a simple message that no one ever told me.
In hindsight, with the benefit of greater maturity, I’m often amazed by my foolish ways and ignorance. I can vividly remember how I was so certain of my words and actions, as to me, they represented words of advice that will help a friend in need. Only to realize I was wrong, for at a young age of 14, I was simply too young, too ignorant, too naïve and too inexperienced to be helping a friend my age with such a problem all by myself.
I’m not referring to friends with superficial problems and such, but friends whom are on the brink of depression, facing serious problems that may need professional attention, whatever the reason. Having said that, its crucial that you err on the side of caution when determining whether your friend needs professional help, for the consequence of a misjudgment is simply too great for anyone to bear.
Hence, should there be even the slightest of doubt, you should inform any adult, be it parents, teachers or counselors. After all, they are more likely to make a better judgment of the kind of help required. There shouldn’t be the worry of betraying your friend’s trust, for its all done in the interest of your friend. Refusing to inform others of your friend’s condition, problems and state of mind is a foolish act that you may end up regretting, as your friend may sink deeper into depression or become even more lost in his or her problems.
As friends, we are often among the first to sense any change in our friends, and our main responsibility is to be there to listen. Being there to listen is vital in helping friends feeling down to standup again, but it is not enough, to lift them out of depression, or the brink of it into full recovery. Giving words of what we consider advice may only end up causing more harm then good, for we simply lack the maturity, sensitivity and wisdom to give well-balanced advice at such a tender age. It is not that you should not give advice, but that you ought to be very careful with what you say, for they will impact your friend’s life in ways you’ll never imagine. Do not ever take what you tell your friends lightly, for a friend in desperation will take whatever you say seriously.
In addition, it must be emphasized how young your mind is, regardless of whether you think, or people have commented, that you are beyond your years. It is inevitable for one so young to be very likely naïve, relatively ignorant and with a narrow perspective of things. You may not realize it, but you aren’t usually in a position, in terms of maturity and wisdom, to offer advice to friends your own age. Instead, you’re more meant to be there to listen, and to prevent them from sinking any further.
I thought I’ll share with you a personal experience, as true stories prove much more convincing. I once had an acquaintance who told me she’s been diagnosed with cancer. She seemed very troubled and in pain all the time, and stemming from that, we got closer as I tried to cheer her up, help her with work, be there for her, and even to help sort out some of her problems. It was all very straightforward to me, I simply wanted to help my friend who was facing problems and obstacles, but things were not as simple. I discovered eventually, through various adults, that she was not ill after all.
For weeks I’ve seen her popping pills that I thought were her medication, never questioning her illness and what she was eating. They were in truth all painkillers, and thankfully, these were put to a stop by her parents and teachers, it took me a long while to approach the teachers, and just imagine the consequences if I didn’t.
For weeks, I was helping her help a friend of hers, who was facing depression by offering all sorts of advice, till one day, I realized how impactful my words could be, and the harm I could cause should I be careless with what I say. This was because things were getting really bad that my friend’s friend went “missing”. For just the short period of time that the person was missing, I lost myself in guilt and worry. During then, I thought about the possibilities of what could have happened and realised that I couldn't afford the consequences. I was simply too young to be advising my friend.
Having shared this experience, it also brings to point my next message, which is to be cautious when helping people whom you don’t really know. Sometimes, you are instead helping acquaintances and not people whom you’re close to. As much as the effort is commendable, you ought to be even more careful in helping and in offering advice, for you do not know the personality and character of the person you’re helping. Hence, the person’s reaction to all that you say and do is a lot more unpredictable, and once again, the consequences may be too great for you to bear.
Having said all these, I’m by no means discouraging friends from helping friends, in fact I encourage you to, but in a far more cautious way that protects your friend, and yourself by impressing upon you the seriousness of the issue. There are situations that are simply unmanageable by ourselves, and it is crucial that we recognise them. As should you fail to do so, you may lose your friend, for your friend will not be receiving the help he or she truly needs.
