Communication

by Jemina

True communication does much more than fill silences. It is so important because it is the bedrock of relationships. In this article, Jemina shares what she has learnt about true
communication.

I’m no relationship guru, and I haven’t had the experience of a hundred boyfriends (one each week?) so if that’s your idea of qualified authority in this area, I’m afraid I’m miles away from it. What I do have, however, is one solid, honest relationship with a wonderful young man. I won’t say it’s been smooth sailing, but we’ll both tell you that what’s kept it working so far is this big word COMMUNICATION.

Okay, so you’ve heard it before… but what exactly does “communication” mean? I’ll be a little blunt here – it’s a lot harder than it seems. Many people think that communication is just talking. I used to think that.

“Hey, we communicate a lot! Him and I, we call each other every night and talk for hours. Beat that!”

Not bad… it’s fantastic if you and your sweetheart can make the time to talk to each other every single day, but that’s just one aspect of communication. A large part is not the talking itself, but how you do the talking. Two things here: Listening and Honesty.

Again, you’ve probably heard this before, but a distinction has to be drawn between listening and simply hearing. The former, in my opinion, is the harder of the two and involves putting aside all your reservations, biases and opinions just for a moment and letting the other party speak freely. It’s quite a bit like brainstorming, where you can throw out ideas and no one’s supposed to shoot them down no matter how crazy they seem. Whenever my boyfriend and I talk, I make it a point to let him speak without interruption first and reply only when he is done. Before I reply, I’ll try to remember to clarify his point to make sure I’ve got it absolutely right and to seriously consider what he’s said before replying. I know he does the same for me because he’ll take his time about answering and after I’m done with my point, he’ll ask questions that go along the lines of “correct me if I’m wrong, but…” or “okay, can I just clarify? What you’re trying to say is that…”. And you know what? Far from being annoyed that he’s asking so many questions and having to repeat myself, I find that I really appreciate what he’s doing! It just signals to me that he bothers to think about what I say and I matter to him.

Of course, these questions of clarification aren’t just for the sake of asking. You are actually supposed to consider the opinions of your significant other. You don’t have to agree with what he/she is saying. You could do that, or you could come to a compromise between the two of you, or you could even decide to still stick with your own stand. Your special one might not think that your decision is the best one, but if you’ve seriously thought about the advice and opinions you were given and the implications your decision will have on your relationship (yes, it’s not just about you anymore. I find that self-centered decisions generally lead to one or both parties being unhappy later on. Going along this vein, the ideal is that both of you come to a compromise that you can respect and apply, on what’s best for the both of you in the given situation). I recall once, when I had to choose between two of my commitments – CCA training and an Orientation Team (O Team) meeting. They coincided exactly and I had to choose one or the other. The situation was such that the tournament we were training for was just before Orientation itself, so both were equally urgent, in that sense. My CCA mates had obtained permission for us to be excused from the Orientation meeting for training, but because I valued my commitment to the O Team, this compounded my problem instead of resolving it. After talking to my boyfriend, who was of the opinion that I should go for the O Team meeting since I had promised my commitment, I decided to go for training. It was a hard decision for me, but I had no regrets about it because I had considered all the factors we could think of between the two of us (and there were quite a few important ones, most of which aren’t listed here). It was a rationalized, not rash choice. It wasn’t what he expected, but I explained that I had thought about it, and that all things given, I thought this would be best. (Yes, it may be obvious, but you’ve got to let your sweetheart know about the factors you’ve weighed and that his/her opinion was one of them. That’s communication!) He said he respected my decision and I really appreciated that.

Respect is the concept behind all of this. When both of you discuss your expectations of each other and of your relationship (and please do discuss expectations! They’re very very important), do bring this up. Personally, I think that if you have shown respect and seriously considered your sweetheart’s inputs during a discussion, it is only fair that he/she in turn respects your decision. The most he/she can expect of you is that you’ll consider what he/she has to say. This goes for you too, of course. Double standards don’t hold in a relationship.

The other aspect of communication that is vitally important is honesty. It’s about saying what you really think, but saying it with tact. This allows you two to move forward together from two separate viewpoints towards a common, acceptable compromise. I mean, if one of your two home bases is unstable, something’s going to collapse sooner or later and that’s probably going to give you a huge headache. Here’s an example on a more superficial level, though no less important. My friend asked me if I’d like to watch her play in the band at a concert. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to come with me. Basically his reply went along these lines: “It’s your call dear. To be honest, I don’t really feel like going, but I’d rather accompany you than let you go alone.” Tacky, perhaps, but he really meant it. Even though I didn’t go in the end because something else cropped up, I was touched because he was showing me that he cared about me and was concerned about me going alone. Sure, he made it clear that listening to a symphonic band in concert wasn’t really his kind of thing, but he was telling me that I came first on his priority list. I’m sure that this kind of thing reassures both of you and helps because you’re both humans and humans need to feel loved. Of course, don’t forget a word of thanks to your sweetheart. Common courtesy goes a long way and makes one feel appreciated. Loved and appreciated…sure makes me happy! If it makes me happy, it’ll make my sweetheart happy. And if he’s happy, I’m happy. So it all works out fine and they live happily ever after. End of story.

Naaah, just kidding! Communication skills don’t come that easily, and it’s something you’ll probably have to work at for the rest of your life. But don’t be disheartened - every little bit helps! After all, much of a relationship lies in the small things, like dropping him a note to say you care, or seeing her home after a long day at school. Listening and honesty are by no means the be all and end all of communication, but when done right they’ll keep your relationship going strong for as long as you’re together. You might say that these are skills that apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones, and you’re right! But they matter so much more here because you’re going to be with this special person through thick or thin, for the rest of your life and here more than ever you’ll want to get communication right.

Take care, and I hope it helped!